I’ve had this post sitting in drafts for weeks. Not really sure how, when or even if I should share it. I’ve been afraid that if I hit publish I turn a problem that’s been in my head into a real problem. Something that other people can see. I’m afraid by sharing this, I slap a label on my forehead. I also slap a label on my mind and close myself off to growth, in favor of being defined. Those are my fears.
At the same time, I don’t want this to go unsaid. Sure, I don’t want to really say it either, but the bigger part of me feels like if I say nothing I’m being dishonest by omission.
So here it is. Here’s where I’ve been at currently…
I’ve been feeling a little off, a little lost, and a little not quite sure how to share what I’m going through. So rather than push myself to be thoughtful and inspirational, I’m practicing just allowing myself to be right here in this place of uncertainty.
The thing about writing a blog where the goal is to help people [and is kinda about your life] is that you just can’t fake it.
I don’t always know what, or how to share when I’m in this place of… depression… ooph. I’ve dealt with depression at other points in my life but that word always felt like it was my past. I’ve been pushing away that word “depression” because this time around doesn’t feel like it did before. It feels more normal, more manageable and in a lot of ways more hidden. It’s like downgrading a hurricane to a storm. And because it’s not a hurricane, how can it still be depression? Isn’t it funny how we can even feel like our depression isn’t good enough? Ha!
I’ve hemmed and hawed about even sharing this at all. How is this useful for other people? Is this self-indulgent? Is this throwing an unnecessary label on myself? At the same time, I always want to be genuine and honest about my life, for you and definitely for me.
Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m feeling lost, I’m working through my depression, and I’m learning that it’s ok to be here. I’m giving myself space and creating boundaries before I share my journey or a solution. I’m learning to ask for help from my inner circle before sharing on the internet [a classic millennial mental health problem ammirite?] I’m not going anywhere and my depression certainly doesn’t make me a different person. I’m not trying to share any answers or insight right now, just where I’m at.
I hope by sharing this, I can give you that permission, too. Permission to not always need to know exactly why everything is happening or to have to wrap a pretty bow around a part of your life before you’ve gotten through it. It’s ok to be in the uncomfortable grey for a while. To not know the answers yet. To not have learned the lesson yet. To ask for more space and compassion.
Also, because I don’t want anyone to worry: I’m ok, I’ll be ok. I’ve been down this road before. I have a great therapist, a supportive husband, and a loving family and friend group. Depression sucks but I’m in a good place. I have the privilege of being a high functioning depressed person. A big part of me wants to hide behind that mask and wait until the storm blows over. I don’t want pity. But more than that I don’t want other people struggling to feel alone and I’ve gotten tired of faking it. I guess if any good can come out of this is that I can show that not all depressed people look or act the same.
If you’re not feeling great pleaaaase ask for help <3 It’s a sign of strength, bravery and it’s the smartest thing you can do. There’s no prize or praise for the person who struggles alone.
Love this community. Thanks for always having my back. I’m not going anywhere, but my main priority is my mental health right now.
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