Two Sundays ago (then again last night at home), I ran 10 miles along the Hudson River. The weather was perfect, think early September warm and breezy, not NYC early August sweat-fest. I clocked in at a steady hour and 33 minutes (and yesterday in 1:28) and I felt pretty awesome.
These ten miles reminded me how lucky I am.
No, this isn’t the fastest time in the world, but the fact that I could run for a solid 93 minutes at noon along the Hudson River and feel pretty awesome the entire time is well, pretty awesome!
I’m not trying to say that I myself am awesome, instead the fact I have a set of lungs, a heart and two solid legs that can achieve what my crazy brain wants them to is certainly something to be grateful for.
Last summer I vividly remember coming home after work (at around 6) having only eaten a yogurt and an apple all day, attempting to run a pretty routine 3 miles and almost passing out. I had to stop and walk the rest of the way home, crying. I was furious that my body wouldn’t appease my determination to push beyond discomfort into straight up stupid.
Right then I knew I had to make a choice.
What was more important to me: eating as little as possible or achieving my running goals?
Trust me, I know how messed up this sounds. Why is that even a choice you’d have to make? But it was. And wasn’t easy. And it wasn’t like flipping a switch. It took a lot of hard work and determination and trusting my body to give it what it needed. And I still mess up. A lot. I have to remind myself of the choice I made.
But a year later, after ups and downs and tears and victories after loving and hating I can run ten miles because I took the leap and trusted listened to my body, instead of the disordered thoughts that stopped me from achieving my real goals. The goals that make me proud. The goals that have nothing to do with a scale or a pair of jeans or a mirror.
I’m no where near done either.
In fact, I’ve just begun.
Question:
- Have you ever made a choice that has defined you or even a small part of your life?
Inspiring. Consciously making that choice and following through with it is awesome. Figuring out was is important is a hard thing to do sometimes.
Thanks for being all honest. I think a lot of people will be able to relate to your story bir it’s something that can be hard to talk about, so thanks! I’m glad running has helped you become fitter and stronger and given you some perspective 🙂 xxxx
Thanks Jess. Definitely trying to be more honest with blogging and myself in general.
Thanks Tom!
Georgie, thank you for being so honest about your struggles. I wish I could be as open and honest about my own disordered thoughts about food. For way too long, I had a terrible relationship with food. I realized how much of my life I have wasted, and made the decision to love and respect my body for what it can do. Running has really helped me, and is truly my therapy. It’s amazing how powerful the simple act of running is!
Thanks Jojo- something I’ve definitely realized through blogging is how so many people struggle with very similar issues and it’s comforting to know that I’m not crazy! Thanks for reading and enjoy your almond butter 🙂
this post is beautiful! i can completely relate. i remember days when i would try to go take a spin class and not be able to make it through it because of underfueling. instead of taking that as a sign to eat more, my ED told me i was being lazy and just not trying hard enough. i was treating myself so poorly both mentally and physically! i’m happy now to be at a place where i feel the need to eat before i work out SO that i will be strong enough to kill it.
The crazy part is the more you deprive yourself of food (fuel) the worse you feel- it’s such a downward spiral and I’m so grateful that I had a passion like running to remind me not to be afraid of food. I read your blog all the time and relate to SO many of your posts. Thanks for reading!