In it for the Long Run

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the Disorder

by

The story of my experience with anorexia, an eating disorder.

I honestly don’t even know where to start on this one. To this point, I’ve shared a lot on the blog about my daily life, but I’ve only lightly skimmed the surface on any deeper issues or things that have happened in the past that have lead to where and who I am today.

Before now, I was honestly too afraid to get too personal because I had (have) no idea how people would (will) react. But I feel like a phoney when I’m not honest about a huge part of my past and how it affects who I am and what I go through today. There are so many things I want to share and write about, but it wouldn’t make sense without more context. So I hold my tongue (or keyboard in this case?)

(Warning: this post may be triggering, but I am leaving out exact numbers)

The Disorder

I think it’s fair to describe myself as an intense person. When an idea, a passion or a fear grabs hold of me it can often spiral into an obsession.

That’s what happened. I honestly can’t remember anyone calling me fat. Not to my face. I guess that’s what scared me. I heard the way guys would talk about other girls’ bodies and even worse, the way girls talked about other girls’ bodies.

It started as a simple goal to lose a couple pounds, to get “healthy,” my junior year of high school. I thought that if I felt a bit more comfortable in my clothes I would be happy. I knew the basics: eat less exercise more.

the disorder

I wasn’t exactly athletic, so instead of facing the constant embarrassment that had characterized my adventures in organized sports, I decided to join the gym.

I educated myself about counting calories, portion sizes, meal tracking, nutrition facts, if it had to do with losing weight I was reading it. If I put it in my mouth, I wrote it down in my journal (these were pre-smart phone days). I became obsessed with every fitness magazine that claimed it had the “easiest way to lose 10 pounds in .2 seconds.” All I thought about and read about was food and the more I read the more I feared it.

I watched, as day after day, the number on the scale got a little bit smaller. I remember after losing my first 10 pounds my family commenting, “you look great but you really don’t need to lose more.” It felt good, but I wasn’t satisfied. I didn’t feel any happier, if anything I was less content with my body than before. I could only see flaws.

the disorder

 

the disorder

Somehow I convinced myself that if I lost enough weight people would finally notice me, either that or I could just disappear. Either seemed preferable to where I was.

It was addicting. Everything else in my life seemed to be getting harder. I was battling depression, and my obsession further isolated me from my friends (although I had always been a bit of a black sheep to begin with.) I felt awful refusing to eat the meals my family prepared, which were always healthy, but so many foods became black listed. Each week my mom became more frustrated by a new food that I refused to eat. I can remember being a constant stream of obnoxious food facts, “educating” my friends and family about how to be healthy.

the disorder

Every day I was in competition with myself. Could I eat less than the day before? Could I lose weight faster? It didn’t even matter what I looked like anymore, I just became obsessed with the numbers. Food lost its taste. I was eating numbers. And I hated it. But I loved saying no, feeling hungry, watching other people eat. I can remember calculating exactly how long it would take for me to lose a certain number of pounds and exactly how many pounds I had to be in order to be “underweight” for my height. It was ridiculous.

It felt like power, but in reality, it was anything but. The numbers became a voice in my head. The kind that tells you you’re not good enough, you’re not skinny enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not worth it. I thought if I could beat those numbers I could win back my happiness.

I can vividly remember having meltdowns about having to eat certain foods. Full on crying and hysteria. Obviously, it wasn’t really the food, but everything else I refused to deal with.

the disorder

It got harder and harder to be around other people because all I could think about was food and how not to eat it. I was afraid that if I spent too much time with someone I would slip up. I felt like I had this huge weight, a secret, a full-blown obsession to hide and I was convinced no one knew.

Part of me wanted to scream out for help. But I didn’t know how. So I thought if I got sick enough someone else would have to rescue me. That, or I would just disappear.

But I was really good at lying, and smiling and hiding my disorder (or at least I thought I was). People started to notice that I’d lost weight and told me I looked great. Unfortunately, as well meaning as it may have been, it only made things a thousand times harder.

What do you say to someone who tells you that you look great because you lost weight? “Gee thanks, only I feel like I’m dying on the inside and I what I really want is help.” But instead, you just nod, smile and say “thanks, I’ve been eating healthier and going to the gym lately.”

the disorder

And instead of compliments what I heard in my head was, “you were fat and unattractive before.” Before I craved the attention of people noticing, but as soon as they did, I hated it. My fear of gaining weight eclipsed everything else.

It makes me so upset to see how much joy and life this disorder has taken from me and from so many other people, too. It was a vicious cycle. The depression fed the starvation and the starvation fed the depression. It wasn’t like being sad, it was feeling nothing at all. It felt like lived in a thick grey fog all the time.

Nothing made me laugh, or smile or even upset. I just went through the motions. I couldn’t be around other people because the whole time I just wanted to be alone. And when I was alone I just wanted to feel anything.

But it got better.

As sick as I was, I knew I wanted my life back. I didn’t recognize who I saw in the mirror. My chubby cheeks began to disappear, I was desperately cold and my body had stopped quite a few important functions.

I had to be proactive. I couldn’t disappear and deep down, I knew I was too important to disappear. I didn’t want to waste my life focusing all my energy on trying not to eat. I was better than that. I was worth more than that. It was a catch 22. I felt selfish and guilty when I ate and I felt selfish and guilty when I didn’t, but I had to break the cycle.

I asked to go to a nutritionist, who told me what I already knew, that I had to eat more. Easier said than done, especially when your fear of eating isn’t logical. But it was a step in the right direction admitting that I had a serious problem.

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Comments

  1. I can relate to your story so much. I remember having those exact thoughts, being miserable with the way things were but also not wanting to go back to the way things were. I’m looking forward to reading the rest of your journey, as I’m sure others will too!

    • Thanks Sarah! I remember reading your story and relating so much as well- yours was one of the stories that gave me courage to share because it was about inspiring others that change is real and possible! Thanks for reading

  2. Well Beana, you are so brave and honest. I really identified when you talk about disappearing, I tried that once, I didn’t have any more luck than you did thank goodness. I envy the fact you know you are worth more…it took me a very long time to realize that and to be honest I still struggle with it! You are such a power of example! I am so proud of the woman you are becoming! I can’t wait to read the next installment! I am glad you pushed publish! xoxo

  3. Georgie, I Love You. You are one of the bravest women I Know. I can’t wait to read the rest of the story. My favorite part of anyone’s story is their recovery. You go get it Girl. Love, JoJo

  4. Wow. I had no idea that you were dealing with this problem. I think it is courageous of you to create this blog and put it out there. I’m sure you were concerned about responses, but I guarantee your voice will only bring light to this disease and bring solace to others who are in the middle of their own struggle and inspiration to everyone else to show that you met a demon and worked through it to come out on the other side. The fact that this showed itself in your junior year of high school is very typical. It’s a bit chicken & egg. Does the stress from junior year activate it or is it hormones or is it depression? No clear answer I suspect. My niece went through this and a high school girl friend too. I can tell you that years later they are both doing well, eating healthy and have this disease under control. I am looking forward to reading more about your own personal journey and I will share this story with my own two daughters. You are a beautiful soul and so the only thing that comes to mind when I think of you is your open heart, kindness and your smile. I never think about your body which is simply a vessel to carry us through this life and each vessel looks different. Love the vessel you are given and appreciate its gift to allow us to be present on this earth. Love to you sweetie.

  5. Props to you for having the courage to post this. Definitely want to check out the other installments. You rock Georgie!

  6. My dear, I am an old friend of your wonderful mom, Barbara. May I tell you how brave I think you are, without putting pressure on you to “be” anything more than the quite amazing and beautifully honest young woman I am following? As Tim M. said, the best part of any hard and addictive story is the Recovery part. I look forward to hearing all of your story and commend you, most highly, for your honesty. Peace.

  7. Well as I sit here in my rocking chair in NJ – gazing upon a deep grey sky with the sun rising over nyc – drinking my first cup of coffee – which I added a tablespoon of heavy cream to because we are out of half-and-half I decided now would be a good tine to catch up in your blog- and I smiled a bit with recognition as I related to most of what you felt, feel, and found out – because I still have the same issues and I will turn 50 in July – its a constant struggle to be what society and marketing gurus and fashion moguls tell me I should lool and dress lime all while feeling invisible in this beautiful caosule that God gave me to house my amazing soul! Inside is joy and creativity and abundance and kove ALL TRAPPED IN SIZE 14 JEANS! The identity of our outer selves is so out of tune with our inner selves – I have taken ocer 59 courses -read no less than 100 books and still that little gremlin in my head won’t be subdued. People have told me I’m beautiful since I can remember – followed in my head – og yea- the pretty fat girl – so in high school I began a love affair of running and cross country was my choice because I could really think and meditate while pounding the pavement and somehow thru the years the affair ebbs and flows – but its truly the inly way I manage a healthy weight and a healthy head (nind) Jihn always says to me “Get out of your head and into your sneakers” and when I do – I feel so elated after my run – but simehow that broken little girl inside of me can’t surcice the struggles and the competition and the daily stressors and financial woes and the crap we carry around our whole kives until the shit oikes up so high and deep we are dragging around a steamer trunk instead of an overnight bag – so to that end – my journey is still happenning and I will continue to figure it out – until I figure it out. Therapy helped- good friends helped but I, lime you-have always felt so alone and unable to receive. So that is how I go forward – I practice gratitude and vulnerabikity and embrace the imperfections – I choose NOT to wear a cloak and let the World see me as I am – scary scary stuff for a 49 year old and terrorizing for a young woman trying to find out ‘who’ she is in a world full of fakery and mirages and ‘where’ she fits in. I know your life hasn’t been peaches and cream – but it has been like a good rhubarb pie – there are a zillion ways to make one – but I happen to think your moms in the best. You have an amazing sister and that Barb is pretty awesome and I have always admired you and cheered you on from afar! You’ve. Killed nspired me to start writing my daily nlog again “chickchatfromthecarriagehouse.wordpress.com – as I let it go because qhen I told the truth people judged me and said I was a pollyanna – so I didn’t protect my ears and allowed the words of so few feel and become like the words of so many. Even my 17 year old Creative Memories business was scoffed and and my own family didn’t believe in the power of memory preservation. I persevered and succeeded but it was to the expense of my own self destruction. Raw and exposed and authentic is how I choose to be today and most people don’t know what to do or how to be around genuinely enthusiastic people – that’s where your bravery comes in – when all that matters is what YOU sort for takess precedence in your life the voices of the naysayers begin to dininish and you evolve! So proud of you for revealing your secrets – because once you verbalize them publicly they become powerless and you arise from the memory remembering, connecting and celebrating life with others. FOR YOUR MISERY will become someone else’s’ s ministry! Throw open the sashes and shout it from the core of your soul- you may save someone else’s life and if that is what you aent thru it all for- then your reason is magnificant!

    • Thank you Vicki for your kind words and inspiration. The more people I talk to and connect with the more I find we share similar stories and outlooks. I hope I can help others by sharing, if nothing else but to let them know they are not alone! Hope we can get together in 2014. Xo

  8. Great post Georgie! I was right there with you the whole time, we have a lot in common. So proud of you!

  10. Wow Georgie!
    Inspiring…
    It takes a strong sense of your true inner self to take that step back, and see yourself as you have done.
    I admire you for that inner strength which you have found, to face and deal with your own demons as you are doing.
    I was pleasantly surprised at how eloquently you expressed your emotions. You have a great gift.
    You have the makings of a great inspirational speaker/leader.

  11. G-touché’. I applaud your strength as always and your words I read today can be so important to so many, most of all, you . Your comment “Ii could win back my happiness” ….. Hit a cord but I will hold that thought awaiting your full posts. But above all know this. … You are a powerful and beautiful woman. Period. Continue to share your power! Xxoo C

  13. Man oh man can I totally relate to those feelings. At first, it wasn’t so hard, but it got progressively more difficult to eat less and do more, and I became very depressed, and it took me a while to feel really better (not to mention how messed up my stomach became from not eating properly). I am glad that you sought out help to change your habits :). I definitely wish I had done that when I was in the midst of my problem!

  14. My tears are wetting my iPad keyboard. PopPop and I love you SO MUCH. We’ve always known you have an amazing writing talent, but I think this post must have been the hardest and best writing you’ve ever done. So happy RECOVERY is your goal.
    OX

  15. Georgie, I’m very proud of you for sharing this, so eloquently. It is a struggle that you have had since you were little, and I am so happy to see that you are figuring things out. Love, Mike

  16. This is my current struggle, I will admit I had tears running down my face when I read this because I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle. Unfortunately, I am still in the stage where I hate my body, my ED thoughts are worse then ever some days. Other days I can eat certain fear foods…but then I go to the gym to work it off. I loved reading your story and it has inspired me greatly. I hope that I can overcome this just as you are!

    XO,
    Kat

    • Oh Kat, I’m so sorry to hear that. Just know I’ve been where you are and it’s so hard, but I promise you will get better. It’s a battle every day but the momentum builds. You were put on this earth for so many beautiful important reasons and just remember that your life is so worth it and you are worth it. Don’t hesitate to email me if you’d like to chat. <3

  19. Thank you for sharing your story! There came a point that I too became obsessed with the numbers and let it consume me for some time. This inspires me to share this side of my journey as well! You never know when you will be helping someone else that is going through a similar life experience. Oh, and I love your blog, and avocados!

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