Today we’re going to stray a bit from the regular programming to talk about a lesson I learned the hard way. I’m linking up with Amanda’s Thinking Out Loud Thursday.
Maybe you can relate to this one, or maybe I’ll catch you at the perfect time and you’ll avoid the same fate. Either way it was an important lesson to learn and I just hope I don’t make the same mistake. My mistake? I tried to be cool. And it totally backfired. Here’s why I did it and why I hope I never do it again.
It starts with a dude (but the same mistake can happen with any friendship/relationship). I’ll call him Mr. F for the story’s sake (do I have any Arrested Development fans out there?). He was a couple years older, because I’m a sucker for that. They make you feel cooler and more sophisticated, which was fitting because I was in a new city for the first time and finding new friends was easier said than done.
Spending time with him was effortless. Funny, smart, cool job, cool apartment, cool city. Long walks, long conversations set to skylines and sunsets. He knew how to maintain the perfect balance of making me happy and miserable. The perfect recipe to keep me coming back everytime.
He was pretty clear that it was “just casual.” Of course. That’s what I wanted to. I didn’t have time for a relationship. I was that cool chick who could have a fun fling in a new city and get back to her busy life. Who even has time for a relationship? Not me. My logical brain knew that a relationship was so impractical, but he was someone I’d happily throw away practical for. I’d never say that out loud. I’d never admit that I was the one who fell harder.
Instead I took a step back and made a two fold plan: don’t fall harder, and make him change his mind.
Yes, I know. I can look back now and laugh at myself because I can see how silly it was and hopefully you can, too. These two parts to my “plan” directly contradicted each other.
Here’s how part 1 worked, (you know, the part where I don’t fall for this guy harder, while still trying to get him to change his mind, without saying anything about it, because you know, I’m cool) I didn’t open up. I acted like I didn’t care. I didn’t ask for what I wanted. I was playing it “cool”. I wanted to call the shots. If I was watching a replay of what happened I’d be screaming at the TV, at myself “WHY ARE YOU BEING SO BORING AND LAME.” I was a watered down version of myself. A person that didn’t act like she wanted a relationship and barely a friendship.
I can’t entirely blame “lame Georgie.” Opening up to someone, really opening up to the point where they actually get to know you. The good parts AND the bad parts. The parts that are nervous, dorky, clumsy, the parts that don’t know what they’re doing even when everyone else seems like they do. That’s not easy. And who knows, maybe Mr. F would never have wanted anything more, whoever he was with.
In the end after over a year of random hookups and hangouts I finally let us both of the hook. I needed to let him go if I ever wanted something more.
I’m still friendly with Mr. F. He’s really a great guy. I hope the lucky lady who he ends up is smart, funny, dorky, flawed, quirky, weird and wonderful. That’s what everyone deserves. The whole experience taught me that I deserve to let someone meet the whole me. A relationship need both parties to care for things to work. That doesn’t mean it needs to be a perfect balance, but a war of “who cares less” is futile and does anyone really want that?
Trying to make new friends or turn that thing into a “thing”? My advice: don’t be cool. You can be crazy, goofy, funny, smart, annoying, cute, embarrassing or dorky but please forget about being cool.
You couldn’t have said it better! Been there and have “tried” to play it cool, but I don’t want to do that anymore. This could totally be an episode on Sex and the City and you and I should star in it. 😉
HUGS! I love this post – I played this game for about a year. I just wasn’t ready to let anyone in. And I think I really needed that me time to reassess what I wanted. But I most certainly agree, if you are going to put time into getting to know someone, be yourself. Lord knows you don’t want them falling for the fake you!
There were so many things I asked myself as I read your story (it’s almost like I was expecting a romantic comedy type-of -ending). How exactly did Georgie let Mr. F go?…At what point did Georgie realize that she didn’t want to “play it cool” anymore? Gosh, where was this story 3 years ago?! LOL jk ;p It took me forever to learn this bit of wisdom! I am glad that you figured it out in less time than I did. Thanks for letting us get a glimpse of your romantic side! Hachachaa
Ahhhh!! Ok I honestly couldn’t agree more with this post, and I’m so glad you wrote it. It’s definitely hard to open up completely to someone, but after awhile, it gets hard NOT opening up to someone. I was in a relationship way back when like that, and we were both two boring people, and I remember hating it. It sounds like you are in a better place now, and remember that things always get better 🙂 Xoxo
Totally relate to this. I’m in a relationship myself right now with someone a bit older than me, and I definitely tried to “be cool” at first. But really, a relationship can’t work if you’re not being you. Love this post 🙂
It’s like you wrote what I have been struggling with and thinking about for the past month. Well done!
Aw, Georgie! You’re the sweetest! I’m sorry this stupid boy situation ended up causing you pain.. but thanks for sharing your insights! I bet one day soon you’ll look back on it with fond memories 🙂 And every “relationship” just makes you stronger for the next one — which will eventually be the one that really matters. xo
This was very much me when I was younger. Always trying to play it cool and fit some image of who I thought I should be. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older and wiser or because keeping up a fake image got too tiring, but I just can’t do it anymore. Ain’t no one got time to play two different roles — what you see is what you get!
I used to always try to “play it cool” with people I thought I liked, but it was exhausting. It’s a hard act to keep up. So now, if you’re friends with/dating me, you’re stuck with the real me.
THE LAST THING I AM = COOL! I am the weirdest person ever. My brain… I don’t even…. There is no way to explain it. None. I say what I am thinking no matter what. I make weird noises. I am memorable. Ha ha ha ha! However, when I am in “relationships” with guys I like, I tend to not show emotion – I am my weird quirky self, but I never really express how I FEEL – which could certainly (and has proved to be in some instances) be futile. I am working on that a little bit actually… We shall see!
I am so glad you learned from your experience and you can open up about it! 🙂
Amen to this! It’s so easy to fall into the trap of trying to be the one who cares less, but in the long run it all comes out anyways. Better to be upfront and yourself from the get go 🙂