From Punishment to Empowerment: How My View of Fitness Has Transformed
As a kid, you would never have described me as “athletic.” Goofy, unique, artsy, creative, chubby, theatrical, and nerdy? Yup that more like it. I played softball and basketball when I was younger, but unfortunately you can’t get too far in most sports when you’re afraid of the ball, so I joined the swim team.
Even while I played, I never really enjoyed what I was doing and instead found joy in painting, crafting, acting and improv classes. When you’re younger the world is a lot more black and white. When you’re bad at sports and you’re more interested in the arts, you label yourself as “un-athletic.” Rather than finding your potential, you let your label define your abilities. You tell yourself you don’t like or care about sports or fitness, it’s “just not me.”
In my junior year of high school, I wanted to lose weight. Part of that meant changing my diet, but also exercising on my own, away from the stress and embarrassment of team sports. My innocent quest to lose a couple pounds took a dark turn into a full blown eating disorder. Not only was I starving my body, but I used exercise as a way to purge and punish. I poured over endless fitness and health magazines absorbing their factoids and misguided advice like a sponge. I viewed my body as a math equation and all I cared about was coming up negative.
I was the queen of cardio working out for sometimes two hours on the stairmaster and treadmill. I didn’t count miles or steps, I only cared about the calories I was burning. If I missed a day I became anxious and ate even less. I used fitness as a tool to help me disappear, to become less. I didn’t feel joy or accomplishment when I worked out, it only felt like a punishment.
As I slowly recovered from my first battle with an eating disorder during my senior year of high school, fitness and exercise were put on hold or at least dramatically scaled back. I was learning to feed my body again and my time was devoted to acting in the drama club and musical, applying to college and working on the school paper. Exercise became more of a tool for balance than punishment. After my freshman year of college I relapsed into my disordered eating, which is when I began to run, my only goal being to lose more weight.
But a crazy thing happened.
I started falling in love with running. Each run gave me such a sense of accomplishment. Slowly I stopped counting the calories and started counting miles. This switch of mentality wasn’t night and day. In fact, many of my obsessive behaviors transferred into running. While calories weren’t as important miles became a new crutch, numbers I could go over in my head over and over again. Each day had to be better than the last. Despite, my obsessive tendencies running gave me permission to fuel my body again.
I think the most important gift running gave me was a love and appreciation for fitness outside of controlling my weight. I loved what I could do, the way it made me feel. I could identify myself as a runner. That label I had created for myself so long ago no longer applied. When I began to add miles instead of subtract calories that’s when I began to really heal. This wasn’t overnight. In fact, it’s taken me five years long, rocky years to change my view of fitness into a tool for gaining and building health rather than just a way to burn calories.
Finally I understand that fitness is a gift, not a punishment.
I use it to celebrate my body, not tear it down.
- I love running because it makes me feel alert, focused and present. I love the endorphins, the sweat and I even respect my bad runs.
- I love lifting because it makes me feel strong, capable and empowered. I’m proud of my progress as slow and steady as it may be.
- I love yoga because it makes me feel relaxed, mindful and connected. I hope to develop a practice and allow it to enhance other parts of my life.
I love fitness because it isn’t about losing yourself, it’s not being better than someone else, it’s about building yourself into the best version of you. The race medals are nice and I don’t hate my baby guns, but for me the real reward isn’t a visible trophy. I’ve grown so much mentally over the years because of my journey through fitness and health. At times I might have lost my balance, but like my physical training, I’ve learned to bounce back, each time stronger.
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- I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories about your own fitness journey
Hey Georgie,
I have a very similar story to yours. I didn’t appreciate my body until I realize the amazing things that it can accomplish. Too bad it took so many years, but I’m so glad I got to the point that I am at right now!
Right? Sometimes I get frustrated that it’s taken so long with so many twists and turns, but the magic of getting older is learning that loving yourself is actually super awesome
This was so beautifully written and I agree with everything you said. I love running (and exercise) for the mental and physical benefits but mainly because it makes me appreciate everything around me. I’ve learned to let exercise enhance my life, not let it be my life.
I love that so much! “enhance my life, not let it be my life.” That’s such a wonderful way to put in it perspective, as soon as it feels like it’s detracting from your life, then you know to scale back.
This is so beautiful!!! I had always been overweight and it got to a point where I had to lose weight. I didn’t like the fact I HAD to exercise. Now I love it and I WANT to exercise. 😉 It truly is a gift!
That’s such a great way to look at fitness, as a gift. When it doesn’t feel like a chore you also know when it’s ok to slow things down. I think we’re definitely fed a lot of “you HAVE to do this in order to be healthy” but in reality there are so many different ways to enjoy moving yo body!
I LOVE THIS. I’m also really loving all those throwback photos. Classic 😉
Thanks Erin! I think my favorite part is no matter what sport I still put a theatrical spin on it. I remember having six different ponytails for one basketball game, because I definitely knew my priorities 😉
Girl! I -love- this! And I can relate to it so, so much. I went through a really similar thing with fitness and having it go from being punishment to enjoyment. I’m currently starting to run again after years and years of holding a grudge against it, and I’m happy to say that I’m actually loving it a tonne. Treating your body right and not killing yourself really do make a difference. Who woulda thought 😉
That makes me so happy! I know I’ve had a complicated love of running too. One of my favorite running quotes is “Run often. Run long. But never outrun your joy of running.” – Julie Isphording – and yes it’s miraculous what your body will do when you’re not constantly fighting against it <3 Thanks so much for hosting such a great linkup
Another awesome and honest post that I’ve read today and that inspire me, but also make me take a hard look at myself and my struggles with fitness and health. Yes I struggle too, but you and others help me so much to remember the real reasons of why I train and eat so well and to enjoy it and be grateful for it. You ROCK and that is all! XOXO
And I’m definitely far from perfect myself. I love that you mention being grateful. Gratitude is such a powerful feeling and I definitely want to nourish it more. When I stop and consider everything my body has done for me I feel so silly for ever trying to fight it. Thanks as always for your support!
I loved reading this! Not only because it’s so much like my own journey to running, but because of that realization. I was a pretty athletic kid but once I started using exercise as punishment, that’s when I really had a problem. It’s great to see that you’ve been able to transform that view of fitness as well- it’s really such an amazing feeling to run because you LOVE it, not because you’re burning calories.
Thanks Sarah, your support means so much – your own story (as well as many from the blogging community) have been a really big part of this transformation. Plus, growing up really does help put things in perspective.
This is such a great post! I, too, used to get most excited about how many calories I’d burn from a long run or things like that, but now I enjoy running on it own so much that I honestly don’t even think about how many calories I burned when I finish a run at all, which is crazy to me! If you’d told me a couple years ago that I’d be this way, I wouldn’t have believed you!
Thanks Liv! I know, sometimes I wish I could go talk to 18-year-old Georgie and tell her to love herself more, but I guess that’s the wonderful thing about getting older, learning that you can actually love yourself and it makes life so much better (for you and everyone around you)
Wow… I totally relate to this post. I’m kind of in the middle of shifting my view of fitness. I definitely would not call myself recovered, but I’m starting to allow myself to eat enough to better my running. I can’t become a great runner if I am not properly fueling my body. Thank you for sharing your journey!
I know that feeling too well, wanting to restrict your intake, but wanting to perform. It’s not an easy decision or a quick one, but I have faith you’ll be able to grow and learn to nourish and care for your body! Thanks for you honest and thoughtful comment Bridget.
I’m so happy for you! I love the line “fitness isn’t about losing yourself.” So very true!