Recovery is Real – a letter to my 20-year-old self
Over the last year, I’ve struggled to find a way to share the story of how I recovered from my eating disorder. These kinds of recovery stories were hard to find, but are so important to hear.
I don’t know how else to say this but: it’s really f’ing hard to recover from an eating disorder mostly because no one talks about it.
There were some days I felt normal, while other days I lied on my floor wishing I could do anything to escape my own body. I hate typing that, but that’s how I felt. And more than anything I felt alone. I talked about it to no one. I felt ashamed and isolated. On the outside I looked “healthy” but for a long time my behaviors were anything but. I teetered on the edge of recovery, but would get scared and relapse into restricting my food and over exercising.
So I decided to write this letter to the 20-year-old Georgie. I was a junior in college, it was three years after I had first recovered and I had fallen back into my restrictive eating. I was at my lowest weight and feeling more isolated than ever.
I’m writing this because it’s what I needed to hear at 20. I can only hope that this might reach someone when they need to hear it the most.
Dear 20-year-old Georgie,
Recovery is real.
Hi Georgie, it’s me Georgie. I’m coming to you from the future because I want to share a few things with you. Don’t roll your eyes at me, I’m serious. I know you’re stubborn, but just listen.
You know how you ask yourself if you’ll ever recover? If you’ll ever have a normal relationship with food again? I want to let you know that you will. You can. I know it’s hard to believe based on recent history, but you do have the power to change things.
But that’s the thing. The really hard thing. You have to commit to this shit. You can’t just say you want recovery… but not do everything in your power to get there. It’s gonna take a lot of long nights asking yourself “why?” And you have to do that.
You have to show up.
I’m going to tell you something that might upset you. You’re going to gain weight. Yup, I know you didn’t want to hear that. You wanted to know that you’d be perfectly happy but also at the weight that makes you sick and miserable, but that’s not how this will work for you. But here’s the good news. It won’t be the end of your world. Let’s pause there. You’ll gain weight and it won’t end you.
Sure, you’ll feel frustrated at times, but you’ll also learn to trust your body more than you ever have. You’ll learn what health feels like from the inside.
*Spoiler alert: it’s pretty damn amazing*
You’re going to stop counting calories. You’ll slowly slowly slowly let go of food guilt. BTW, eating almond butter without guilt is the best. You’re gonna love it. Just you wait. You’ll stop stepping on a scale. You’ll stop pinching your love handles in the mirror. You’re still going to have your tough tough days, but that’s a part of being human.
But perhaps the most important thing I can tell you is that when you take care of your body, I mean actually feed it, you will feel like the you again and there is no better feeling.
You might not realize it now, in the midst of the “fog” that comes over you when you stop eating enough and disconnect, but you’re not a very nice person to be around. When your thoughts are preoccupied with hiding your behaviors, your feelings, your hunger, you’re just a shell of yourself.
You’ll finally remember what it feels like to laugh, be curious… give a shit! Seriously. Saying “I don’t care” isn’t being easy going, it’s being nothing.
I know it might feel like no one notices, but they do. You’re not an island. I know you hate asking for help, but you have no idea how important it is to communicate to the people who love you.
This is a lesson that you’ll have to learn many times, but I’ll say it anyway: becoming less of yourself will not build the relationships you crave. Being less of yourself will not help you reach the huge ass goals you have.
You’ll get to a tipping point where you’ll slowly realize that living a life you love and are all-in on just won’t happen when you put your disorder first. You’ll slowly detach yourself from your disordered eating identity which will open up the room you need to actually be who you’re meant to be.
Finally, you’re not alone. If you reach out to other people, you’ll understand that. You’re certainly not the only one who has dealt with something before, so I say this in the most loving way, get over yourself and get some damn help.
Xo Future Georgie
PS – Your hair will finally start growing again and you won’t be so damn cold all the time
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Georgie this is amazing. I lived with two girls who had eating disorders in college at different times and they were the hardest situations I’ve ever been in as a friend. Their disorders brewed toxic relationships because food was actually all they thought about even though it seemed like they hated it. It was hard to hold conversations with them and they would always make excuses when everyone was getting together for dinner and got so mad when I tried to help even in the situations when they asked me to. It was so sad and just not a way to live. I wish this kind of happiness and recovery on everyone. Your story is wonderful!
Thank you so much Margaret. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to be my friend at that time. I’m incredibly grateful for my closest friends who stuck by me even when I was in all honesty pretty miserable to be around.
PREACH. I love this. There are SO MANY people that need to hear this, thanks for being real always. You go girl!
Thank you Lacey <3 So grateful for supportive ladies like you
Incredibly well written and inspiring, as always <3
Thank you so much Emily. <3 <3 <3
Thank you for sharing this G <3 I loved it. So real, and so necessary. I remember people telling me I looked too skinny, telling me to eat a cheeseburger, but it seemed like that's all anyone ever jumped to. It was never talked about, like you said. Not until I saw a doctor. Beautiful post, my friend.
It’s so hard because no one knows what to say, so it feels like no one notices, which reinforces that you’re not small enough. It’s a vicious cycle and hopefully we can break it by being open.
Such a beautifully written letter, Georgie. So inspiring for others trying to get on the road to recovery.
Thank you Brie, your support means so much to me.
Georgie! This is so so beautiful and everything I wish my 20-year self would have listened to. It’s sad for me to look back and think that I ever believed that if I took up less space I’d feel like I was valued more. Actually hurts my soul to think about. Life exists so far beyond food and exercise and thank god for that because what a beautiful place it is. Glad we could both find our way to the other side xoxo
So. True. Being less is a battle you’ll never win. While it definitely hurts to see how sad I was, it’s hearing stories from women like you that helped me believe that there was another way to live. Cheers to the other side Xo
Love this post, Georgie! I bet your 20-year old self would be SO excited to know that you’ve not only recovered, but decided to put your story out there, share your life as a blogger and being killing it on IG. Right? 🙂
Thank you Ashley! I’m sure she’d be skeptical but pretty pumped 😉
You continue to amaze me every single day. Georgie I LOVE THIS! We should all take some time to sit down and write a letter like this to our younger selves. There are so many things I wish I knew then that I know now. LOVE YOU GIRL!
Thank you so much Lee! As someone who is always looking in the future, I find when I look back I’m always shocked how much has changed for the better without realizing it. These kinds of lessons aren’t always epiphanies but gradual strength. So lucky the blog world has connected us <3
Thank you so much for sharing this, Georgie. It took me a long time to overcome and then finally share the same things, which I did during NEDA week in February, and for me even just sharing the post with some close friends was a huge deal. My way of saying thank you for the times you didn’t just let it go when you saw what was happening even when I pushed you away, I guess. You’re not just speaking to 20 year old Georgie, but to everyone reading who is in the same place she was in, and that is powerful.
Thank you Alyssa for such thoughtful words. It’s so true, I’m beyond grateful for the people who stuck by me when I really tried running from everything. Sharing is powerful. Not easy but important.
Thank you SO much for opening up and sharing this. I struggled with an eating disorder my freshman year of college and it is not easy to recover and talk about the process. I am so thankful and proud of you for speaking out. You are truly an inspiring person to myself and many others:)
Thank you Kellen! It really is such an isolating disorder filled with shame and guilt, but I’ve found the more I opened up and let go of that part of my identity it’s been so freeing. I’m so lucky to connect with such amazing women like yourself.
And…mic drop. Beautiful, Georgie, just beautiful! I can relate to this as I had some disordered eating habits when I was in high school and beginning of college that I have had to slowly but surely overcome as well. It’s a wonderful freedom.
That’s really the perfect word: freedom – thank you Kaylin <3
Love this <333 Thanks for having the courage to share this! I've definitely struggled with disordered eating in the past, when my "cheat meal" was an apple and a tablespoon of almond butter. Going back and forth between binging and restricting, feeling terrible…I totally understand it. It's weird because with the blog, my food revolves more around food now than ever, but I finally feel comfortable with food. So what if you have too much peanut butter in a day? (yesterday) It was damn good and worth it. 🙂
Thank YOU Emilie for your kind words and sharing with me. It’s eye opening learning how many women really struggle, which is why being open is so important to combat the shame we feel. Thank you friend <3
Obsessed with this post. Yes yes yes to all of it.
Letting go feels so damn good on the other side. Cheers to strong chicas.
This post literally brought tears to my eyes! I’m glad you were able to write this and I’m sure it was a long time coming. You’re such an inspiration, Georgie!
Thank you so much Liz. Your support means the world to me.
I am MOVED by your post today, Georgie. Speechless and respectful of your honesty and vulnerability.
Jess, I am beyond grateful to have you in my community. I’m so lucky to be surrounded by fellow strong women. Thank you for your kind words and support.
You are amazing and this took so much courage, bravery and such a strong sense of self to write – ADORE YOU.
Thank you so much Kristine, you have no idea how much your support and kind words mean to me.
This is really beautiful and seriously pulled at my heart strings. This is something I wish I had read two years ago when I was in the midst of my disorder.
Thank you so much for opening up, Georgie <3
Thank you so much Leah <3 Opening up just makes me realize how not alone I was, if only I had understood that earlier, but I'm lucky now to be able to connect with so many amazing strong women.
Georgie, I’m 20 now and I NEEDED to read this. Recovery is so damn hard. I’m still going through it on some days, but this made me tear up. Thank you for being so strong, amazing, and inspiring. <3
It is so damn hard. And you’re so damn strong. It will still be hard tomorrow, but you’ll get stronger. I feel like I’m finally growing into my body and my own skin more than ever and I can only hope that will just keep going. You’re a beautiful soul Marina
Georgie, this is amazing and wonderfully written. I can identify with many of the things you said though am not at the point you reached yet. I’m hoping one day I will be able to write a letter like this to myself – when I’ve finally left all of this behind. You’re an inspiration in so many ways.
Thank you so much – I can only imagine what I would be like at 20 reading this. Probably wouldn’t believe it or trust it, but I would hope that it would give me hope which is so important. <3
Just amazing. It speaks to all levels and those thoughts that we all have. Love this and thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much Kaitlin – your support means so much to me.
Love this, and you. Recovery from an eating disorder is incredibly difficult, and you’ve come through it with such strength and grace. Thank you for opening up and sharing with all of us – you truly inspire us all! <3
Wow Les, thank you so much for your kind words. You have no idea what that means to me <3
Okay, I’ve collected myself from yesterday and can finally write something that isn’t going to sound like word vomit. You always write so eloquently and this post is no different. I’m sure SO many of us can relate to disordered eating in some way (including myself). I always told myself “I love food too much to have an eating disorder…” But that didn’t mean I still wasn’t struggling with how I viewed the food I ate. I was thinking a lot about this yesterday, and started to wonder how men truly compare to women in this topic. I’m assuming far more women deal with disordered eating compared to men. And it is such a shame. It really is up to our generation to shift that mindset and start instilling a more positive body-image and overall wellness mindset, to the next generation at a young age.
As always, thank you for your courage. You are definitely an inspiration. xx
Thank you for such a thoughtful response Ashley. I’m so lucky to have connected with you through blogging. I really think the more we can start talking about it, acknowledging the pressures we face and what happens when we get over our heads things will get better. As long as it’s a taboo or whispered about or ignored it won’t go away. Cheers to the next generation of strong women!
This is beautifully written. You are such an inspiration, and I am so glad that I have come across your blog. Now I know there is always hope for the future, no matter how bad life is in the present moment. Thank you
There really really really is. I remember one teacher who I was close with in high school shared her story with me. I remember thinking that I’d never be able to get over this. Once I began to entertain the hope and then fully commit no matter what I knew that I would, that it is possible. <3
This is so beautiful. I wish I could tell my past self many of these things. Recovery is more than worth it. You don’t feel like you’re in a fog, you smile and laugh again (REALLY laugh again), and you are so much stronger than you ever know. Thank you for writing this eloquent post.
Thank you Jess! Being able to laugh and give a damn feels so good.
This was beautiful! Amazing job girly.
Thank you so much Sarah <3 I appreciate your support
I feel like I have no words Georgie. This is so insightful and reflective. I am so happy that you’re able to write something like this from a place that is eons happier and healthier than you once were. I want to be able to do this. I want to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come. I want to know that recovery is real. Until then, I’ll keep working and being inspired by incredible journeys like yours. <3
Thank you so much Kaila – I really used to think that there was an “other side” that I’d really know when I was recovered, but I’ve found that it’s baby steps, then leaps, then falls, then baby steps. The most important thing is to keep hope. I’ve also found that reaching out has been incredibly powerful. To internalize that people value your soul beyond anything else. <3 I'm always here to be a listening ear.
This is absolutely amazing; I hope that soon I can write a letter to myself like this. That everything will be okay, that I will be okay with that one pound weight gain (even though right now I am not), to be okay with eating peanut butter and almond butter again (which scares the hell out of me), or to even be okay with eating some ice cream. This was inspirational and moving, heart warming and very supporting. I hate being cold and I especially hate that my hair is falling out in chunks. I hate that my period is wacky and has no real pattern. It just sucks. However, I know each day is a step closer to my goal of living a life I want and not what my eating disorder wants!
Love ya girly and thanks for this!
– XO –
So, so wonderful Georgie! I ruined so many wonderful times and relationships crying over food, being so pissed off someone was forcing me to eat, ditching plans with friends, hating myself and all for what? Being really, really skinny for a couple years and having boys tell me I was hotter before I lost too much weight (true story!). I was irritable, unhappy… and cold. My hair was thin, my skin was shallow… just, ugh. I’m learning now to just try and have some compassion for myself and love myself and you’re such an inspiration on what being healthy and balanced looks like – beautiful, full of life and achieving some kickass things. xoxo
Wow Cassie, this was such a wonderful comment. It’s kind of crazy what we end up sacrificing to achieve a goal that would never really bring us happiness. Maybe it’s just getting older, or maybe I’ve been lucky enough to find an inspiring space, like blogging but I’m so damn grateful my perspective has changed. Thanks for sharing a piece of your story with me <3
Georgie – thank you so much for sharing this. What an act of bravery and beautiful vulnerability. I have written many letters to my younger self before, and I think they are one of the most powerful and therapeutic things someone can do. Because who is closer to us than ourselves, right? I say I’ve written many letters, but I am still waiting for the day I can write a letter just like this one – once I can feel I’ve truly gotten through and onto the other side. <3
Hii 😀 inspiring Georgie… but what made you get out of all this? Just out of curiosity, cause it’s not very easy.
I wish I could point to one moment, but honestly it was a lot of little moments every day reminding myself that if I sacrificed my health for the long run, and continued to starve my body and focus on my outer appearance as my only goal, then I wouldn’t be able to achieve all my bigger visions for my life. I did have some “a ha” moments but they weren’t all one and done. I had a day that I saw a baby once and I cried because I was afraid if I never got better I could never have kids. That memory stuck with me. So yeah a lot of little things and surrounding myself with the people who loved me for my personality and taking out things like magazines and other triggers.
Hi! I just discovered your blog and I just wanted to say that this post really resonated with me. Learning to not equate weight gain with the end of the world, and finding peace regardless of your current shape, is seriously priceless.
Hi I know this post is quite old so dont know if you’ll ever read this, but I thought you should know how much this meant to me. I am 16 years old and in my third week of recovery after being diagnosed with anorexia and hospitalised. More than even the feelings of guilt, I have just felt so alone over the last few weeks. My parents have been amazing and try so hard, but I ḱnow they don’t really understand me- I’ve seen them look at each other as I have yet another breakdown over a disgusting portion of carbs I somehow have to make myself eat. My friends come to see me but they don’t really know what to say, they have no idea how to deal with it, so we end up talking about everything but the one thing I feel I NEED to talk to them about. Reading your blog has reminded me that I am not the only one who has ever gone through something like this. It meant so much to read about the little things associated with your eating disorder that I can totally relate to – for the past six months I’ve felt close to tears whenever anyone mentioned babies or children because I truly believed I would never recover enough to have them. And because I identify so much with your story, your recovery gives me so much hope. That I will recover. That I can be someone people like to be around again. That I can eat without at the very least checking everyone else is eating more than me. That I can walk round the house without clutching the radiators. That I can learn to live again, not just exist. So thank you so much for speaking out where so many are too afraid to break the silence that exists around eating disorders X
Wow sophie! I know how much bravery it must have taken to write this comment and it means the world to me. I’m sitting here praying for your strength and courage. I do believe with all my heart you have the strength to recover. It’s going to be so hard, maybe one of the hardest things you do, but you will be so strong for it. Just keep digging inwards and trusting that your purpose is so much greater than just to survive. You can thrive and you deserve love and your soul and heart are so wonderful and worthy of love no matter what. My thoughts are with you and please don’t hesitate to reach out if you’re having a tough day.