The Introvert’s Guide to Small Talk – How to Turn Awkward Conversations into Meaningful Interactions
What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the words “small talk”?
If you’re anything like me, or many introverts, your palms are probably getting a little clammy already. The word small talk conjures up scenes of endless trivial conversations about the weather, awkward first dates, shallow networking events and boring parties.
Why Small Talk Is Hard for Introverts
If small talk has got ya feeling all sorts of uncomfortable, I want to share some good news: you are far from alone. Typically, introverts find small talk more difficult. This is because being an introvert means you recharge your energy by being alone. It’s not that you don’t like being around other people, it’s just that social situations drain your internal battery. So for an introvert, small talk with strangers is a little like running your iPhone on full brightness with 1,000 apps open at once while on LTE. That battery is gonna die real quick and when it does everything gets about 10x more exhausting.
Small talk drains introverts because a majority of it tends to be surface level, without much too much depth. Introverts are introspective and like to explore ideas. With most small talk, we’re trained to only talk about news or weather without getting into how people really feel or think. This can make this light conversations feel trivial and even more draining.
Whether we like it or not, small talk is still essential for building new relationships, but it doesn’t have to be meaningless.
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Why Small Talk is Important
This year, I started working at a coffee shop. And not just any regular coffee shop, but one who’s motto is “Hugs, Handshakes and High Fives.” I distinctly remember being hugged quite a lot my first day and not really knowing how to process all of it. When it was slow, my co-workers would sit down and chat with customers, most of whom they knew by name. Meanwhile, I was hiding behind the espresso machine hoping no one would talk to me.
Pretty quickly, I realized that if I wanted to succeed there, (and in other social gatherings) I’d have to get ok with getting uncomfortable and *gulp* practicing my small talk.
I remember my boss put it in a way that really helped me understand why small talk can be meaningful. He said
If you want to build real relationships, you have to get to know people first. And you can get to know them, by talking to them, and that usually starts with small talk.
He was right. Thanks to brushing up on my small talk skills at work, I met my now, boyfriend. For a long time our conversations were short and silly – usually a joke about how none of his students died in class that day, or some remark about how much coffee he drank. But those turned into longer conversations and finally he asked me on a date.
Small Talk Doesn’t Have to Be Pointless
As an introvert, or just a curious human, seeking meaning in different interactions is crucial. So rather than looking at small talk as a superficial way to fill the silence, reframe the experience.
Whether you’re trying to start a new friendship, or simply make someone else’s morning more enjoyable, try to find purpose in each conversation.
How to Use Your Introvert Powers to Make Small Talk Easier
“Hey, how’s it going?
“Good, you?”
“Yeah, good.”
“(some meaningless comment about the weather)”
“Totally.”
*silence*
My friends, it does not need to be this way. The key to small talk, especially for introverts, is harnessing your powers of listening and observation. This will allow you to ask more insightful questions and hopefully drum up a conversation that’s actually engaging. One big game changer for me, was remembering that by focusing on the other person, I didn’t have to worry about always finding the perfect thing to say. Asking people the right questions and actively listening is a strength for introverts. You can use that skill to help whoever you’re talking to feel heard.
How to Start More Meaningful Conversations
Give someone a sincere compliment
I’ve found that most people take pride in their style. Often different pieces they wear, are an expression of themselves. If you can find something unique about what they’re wearing or carrying, let them know you appreciate it. I’ve found that jewelry usually has an extra layer of meaning. When I compliment people on jewelry they’re wearing, often it comes with a really interesting story that opens up the conversation.
If you’re in a context where that person is demonstrating a skill or passion of theirs even better! People love talking about their “thing” so if you can find a way to get to that, you’ll be sure to learn something new.
Ask Open Ended Questions
Instead of asking “What’s up?” ask “What are you up to today?”
In our language “What’s up?” is almost like a non-question. When was the last time you asked it with any kind of response other than “not much.” Asking something more direct like “what are you up to?” actually gives the person the opportunity to share, if they want to. My rule of thumb is to ask two or three questions and if the person doesn’t want to answer any of them I back off. You can usually read their body language pretty quickly. If they want to talk, asking them what they’re up to or what they’re excited about, will give them the opportunity to start the conversation. You can usually find interesting follow up questions depending on their answer.
Instead of asking “How was your weekend?” ask “What was a highlight of your weekend?”
“How was your weekend?” is a lot like “what’s up?” It’s one of those questions that you don’t even feel right about answering with anything more than a sentence. However, asking someone a highlight of their weekend forces them to think of something positive and usually expound upon it. You might find that you have something in common and boom you’re off to a good start.
Practice
My challenge to you is push yourself outside your comfort zone a little more each week. Maybe that means sitting with everyone at lunch when you’d normally eat alone. Or maybe it means striking up a conversation with someone the next time you’re waiting in a long line. I promise that each time it will get a little bit easier. Who knows, you might just meet your new best friend… or at least have an interesting conversation.
Your Turn:
- Small talk – friend or foe?
- Do you have any tips for striking up a conversation that doesn’t suck?
I’m an extroverted introvert – haha does that make sense? Loved this post!! xox
This is so great and I really need this. You know I work from home but a lot of people from my high school still live in this area, and when I ever see them out, I silently freak out because I’m not trying to catch up with them after 6 years LOL So I needs ta work on mah small talk.
I actually love small talk! Sometimes it can be more awkward depending on the person you’re talking to, but I enjoy getting to know someone like that. Sincere compliments can definitely make a person’s day! 🙂
I work at a coffee shop too and definitely have mastered both small talk and “comfortable silence.” Sometimes you need to engage with a customer, when they exhibit signs of wanting to talk, vent or just shoot the breeze. Other times, I found I needed to be ok with the silence. It isn’t awkward if you mind you own business and don’t ask them about anything.
My top tip for small talk is actually to be knowledgeable about the world or the city in which you live. If nothing else, you share a commonality with that person for being in the same place at the same time. Asking their opinion about something more personal than the weather is a great way to establish a comfort or relationship. I would avoid sensitive topics, but other than that, world/city issues are fair game!
My husband struggles a lot with small talk and being an introvert so I’ll have to forward this to him! This is so helpful..thanks for sharing! 🙂
I sometimes have this problem when meeting new people. I am sooooo bad at the what’s up or how was your weekend. I will use these tips and I’m sure I’ll have better luck, haha!
I definitely consider myself an extroverted introvert. Some days I’m all about people and small talk, and some days I dread it and I’m so awkward and I just want to be home by myself. It can be frustrating because I never know what mood I’ll be in, but I’ve learned how to deal with different situations, and posts like these definitely help 🙂
Your post is absolutely helpful.
Thank you!
I used to say that small talk was pointless bc I probably wouldn’t see these people again and I didn’t want to waste my time with forced conversation. I was really so full of anxiety all the time, however, that I didn’t realize how easy and helpful it could be. You never know who you’re going to meet and what doors may be opened through small talk. Once I started medication and the cloud was lifted, I found it much easier to come up w questions to ask and things to say instead of being crippled by potentially making a fool of myself or obsessing about what the other person would think of me.
One of the easiest things I do is compliment someone. It immediately brightens their mood and makes them more willing to talk. It’s the best!
Ah I love you Georgie. Even this morning I had a cringe moment with making small talk when my flatmate’s mum stopped by. Learning how to make small talk is so important (and so dang hard.) But it is getting easier the older and more confident in who I am, I become.
I am definitely an introvert and maybe living alone has made me even more so. I am used to being alone and being independent, but I do love a good conversation. Usually I am not good at starting the questions though, so that is something I definitely need to practice.
Oh man this post is great! I agree and truly kind of hate small talk but I really need to change my attitude around it. Seriously, this was perfect!
Oh god I loathe small talk, it makes me SO uncomfortable. Love love love these tips — one thing that seriously helped me was working front desk at a super busy fitness studio. It forced me to chat with the regulars on a daily basis, get to know them and get over my fear of small talk.
Loved this! being an introvert and a new mum can really throw you into the deep end as you’re constantly meeting new people and trying to make a network of new mum friends. raising a real human being can be exhausting and involves a lot A LOT of small talk, baby talk, general talk! And not much time to recharge your batteries. But this is a great tool kit for an introvert to use in any life circumstance where reaching out and connecting with those around us can make that experience more meaningful and enjoyable.
I so agree with this Georgie; often people will open up more and more if you start with small talk, and you can get deeper, because they realize that you do care about them, that you want to learn about them, that you are concerned about their life and their passions and the things they did that day. Often people just need a listening ear, and small talk can be the avenue for that. I’m still not great at small talk, but my family is teaching me to like it and to be better at listening. <3 Thank you for sharing this Georgie; I'm imagining that you've gotten pretty great at small talk being a fun, friendly coffee shop like that.
Such a neat idea for a post, Georgie! And great tips! I struggle with this, and I think many people do but don’t want to admit they have trouble with small talk and conversation! Thanks girl!
Love this! I’m another extroverted introvert; I can be very outgoing around my friends and family, but the moment I try to make small talk with a stranger I seize up, trip over my words, and generally make a fool of myself. It’s why I love the internet, because I can take the time to think about my response and not blurt out the first thing that comes to mind!